The Basics Come First

WHEN WE AREN'T AROUND TO PROTECT THEM

It is a frightening thought, but how can we protect our children if we are not present?

We all know to share safety rules with our children and we can casually practice the "what if game." ("What would you do if somebody calls and asks to talk to your mother or father and you are home alone?") We can also let our children know that even if someone they know well touches them in ways that make them feel uncomfortable, they should talk to a trusted adult.

Sharing safety rules and practicing them are clearly important, but there are lessons even more basic to your child's protection. Your child's well being depends on how well he or she has developed basic capacities for

communication
self-esteem
decision-making

These basic needs of children must be met before they can protect themselves in potentially dangerous situations (Ellis 1985).

Communication: Children need the language and understanding to communicate about their bodies. They need to be able to label the private parts of their body without shame. Children who feel they can't talk about certain parts of their bodies will be much less able to object to an unwanted touch or tell an adult what has happened. The child will simply be too ashamed or embarrassed. Just as basic, a child who feels very comfortable talking with his or her parents will be far less vulnerable than a child who feels isolated will.

Self-esteem: Children with positive self-esteem are much more able to take responsibility for themselves. If children do not care about themselves because they have been taught to think of themselves as unlovable and incapable, they are more vulnerable. On the other hand, if children have been taught how their bodies work and have developed respect for the integrity and function of all parts of their bodies, it becomes less likely that an offender can take advantage of a child's shame or curiosity. Respect for their bodies begins with early lessons about self-care like not touching hot stoves or electrical outlets. Parents who respect the child's body and demonstrate patience with its functions help the child to expect respect from other adults. Self-esteem also depends on developing boundaries. For example, respect the child's wishes for privacy when using the toilet or taking a bath. Allow a child the choice of kissing and hugging someone or not. Explain that children's bodies belong only to them. Find a way to discipline your child without hitting them. Spanking a child does not encourage the development of boundaries. Finally, when you discuss physical safety, also talk about situations in which your children can be hurt emotionally and what they can do to stay safe in those situations.

Decision-making: Respect your children as thinking, feeling persons. Choices give children an opportunity develop decision-making capacities. Offer children alternatives that are acceptable to you from which they may choose. In a potentially dangerous situation, children must be able to make decisions quickly and stand up for themselves. Children who practice standing up for themselves in a positive way at home, will be more able to say "NO" when they need to in scary or difficult situations.

These developmental capacities will continue to protect your children during their adolescent years. For example, a teen with positive self-esteem, good communication and decision-making abilities will be better able to resist peers who are offering inappropriate choices. Even for adults these basic capacities will continue to offer protection. Check out a parent education class for more information about how to foster these crucial capacities that children begin to learn from birth. It will be the best protection you could give your child.

We also recommend the following books:

The Safe Child Book by Sherryll Kerns Kraizer An excellent, nonthreatening guide for discussing rules that will protect children from abduction and sexual abuse.

The Silent Children: A Parent's Guide to the Prevention of Sexual Abuse by Linda Tschirhart Sanford Practical suggestions for how to talk with your children as well as background information on the crime of sexual abuse. It includes examples of the "What If Game" and a section for special needs parents.